Parenthood is a crafty beast. The second you master something it changes the game so you're rubbish at it again.
We got the chance to ask stand-up comedian, father of two, Sam Avery, a few questions about what it’s like to be a father in 2018 and what you can expect from his new touring show.
What can people expect from this show?
It’s a stand-up comedy show about being a hapless, learner parent to toddlers in 2018.
What’s the thing you look forward to most about going on tour?
Unbroken sleep in hotel rooms! Oh, and doing this new show to the audiences who are coming along. But mainly the sleep bit.
How do you balance writing for a new tour plus looking after two young kids?
Years ago I had this romantic image of writing - I’d probably work at some log cabin out in the woods, passionately expressing my emotions on an old typewriter, hot coffee boiling on the stove and classical music oozing out of an old record player. The reality is I spend 20 minutes moving piles of sh*t-stained clothes and dirty cups just to sit down in our bombsite of a house, then try to scribble down as many words as possible before my kids come and stand on my nether regions.
What’s the funniest thing one of your kids have ever said to you?
I’ll save the best one for my show but yesterday one of them complimented me on my ‘boobies.’ At this point, I’ll take any compliment I get.
If you were going to a desert island and you were only allowed to take three things, what would you pick?
My bed, pillow and duvet. I’d be quite happy for a decade or so I reckon.
What’s one piece of advice you will give to your kids that you hope they will remember?
Don’t waste your time on people who don’t care about you.
If you could make one of your kids toys come alive, which one would it be and why?
This annoying, dancing thing called Beatbo, just so I could slowly kill it again.
What’s your favourite childhood memory?
Father Christmas giving me a make-up set because he thought I was a girl. I had beautiful hair back then. Those were the days.
If you want to hear Sam's honest, messy account of wrestling with sleep deprivation and breast pumps - right through to his botched attempts at discipline and pathetic bids to stifle various toddler tantrums that definitely registered on the Richter scale, then head to Gloucester Guildhall this November; it will have you testing your pelvic floor with laughter.
Fri 2nd Nov